I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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