Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
