I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
