after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
