I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
