Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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