My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
