We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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