the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
