remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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