Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
