I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
