I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
