you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
