Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
