just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
