Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
