I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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