Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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