Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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