Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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