Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
