if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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