The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
