I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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