I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
