I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
