Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Enjoy the penises
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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