Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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