I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
