For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
