i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
