the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize