I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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