My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
