I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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