I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
