Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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