Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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