I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
