Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
