Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
