I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
