There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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