Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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