so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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