You made me cry and you don't even care
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
