I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blood and glitter go together right?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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