I want to stick my p in your. b.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize