I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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