saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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