there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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