I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize