I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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