Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
