But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize