the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
