I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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