i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
