someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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