Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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